Dear
BEN
,
Congratulations! You've decided to escape your soul-crushing corporate job and live the dream with MyLazarus Career Services (beta). I'm your Automated Life Enhancement Coach, but you can call me Alec. Based on your MyLazarus profile and survey results, our award-winning "dream" algorithm has assembled a series of goals that will equip you for success in your new career.
As the old saying goes, find a job you love, and you'll never work a day in your life. Based on your MyLazarus Career Satisfaction Score of
10 PERCENT — BITTER HATRED
, you experienced the equivalent agony of
2.67 DAYS
for every day you worked as a
PAYROLL SPECIALIST
.
When you find success in your new field of
ENTERTAINMENT > MUSIC > BAND OR PERFORMER > ROCK-N-ROLL
, we can have a good laugh about that figure during the MyLazarus Career Success Retreat. Well, I can't — I'm just software after all. But you won't miss me when you are drinking
STELLA ARTOIS
with all the beautiful and highly motivated
WOMEN
at our exclusive four-day party in
ACAPULCO, MEXICO
.
But hey, you didn't choose unhatched chicken counting as your new career, so let's not get ahead of ourselves. Right now, you've got a lot of work to do. Please review your personalized set of MyLazarus career goals. I will be monitoring your progress, and I will issue your first review after two weeks.
Remember, these two weeks are critical in your transition between that abysmal 9-to-5 wasteland and a career that brings you joy. Completing your daily MyLazarus checklist is the best way to stay on track.
Your friend,
Alec
>>Follow MyLazarus on Twitter
----------------------------------
Oct. 15, 2010
Dear
BEN
,
I'm disappointed to see that your last MyLazarus login was on
OCT. 7, 2010
and that you only completed your daily checklist
1
times.
Here are just a few of the tasks our live career specialists identified as being crucial to your success in
ENTERTAINMENT > MUSIC > BAND OR PERFORMER > ROCK-N-ROLL
:
ESTBLISH BAND TWITTER ACCOUNT
UPDATE BAND MYSPACE PAGE
ESTBLISH BAND FACEBOOK FAN PAGE
BOOK 1 GIG LOCAL VENUE
PRACTICE WITH BAND
WRITE NEW MUSIC
CONVINCE OTHER BAND MEMBERS TO QUIT JOBS AND REGISTER FOR MYLAZARUS BETA
With your newfound freedom, life may seem like a big party. I get it. But I assure you the party will be bigger in
ACAPULCO, MEXICO
, and I really thought a
MALE > SINGLE > HETEROSEXUAL
would be interested in all the beautiful
WOMEN
who will be drinking
STELLA ARTOIS
at the MyLazarus Career Success Retreat. Please remember that this event is exclusively for MyLazarus beta members who have demonstrated success and completed at least 80 percent of their checklists.
Remember, you're not going to
PLAN TOUR OF UPPER MIDWEST
or
RELEASE ALBUM OF NEW MATERIAL
until you can at least
ESTBLISH BAND FACEBOOK FAN PAGE
or
CONVINCE OTHER BAND MEMBERS TO QUIT JOBS AND REGISTER FOR MYLAZARUS BETA
.
Seriously,
BEN
, have you been spending your days
PLAYING VIDEO GAMES
? Where are you on your personal fitness goal of
LOSE 20 POUNDS
?
I know I said the first two weeks were the most critical, but we here at MyLazarus are all about second chances. Over the next two weeks, we ask that you log into your MyLazarus profile and complete the “dream” checklist every weekday. You should be working on your new career tasks during the time you previously were wasting as a
PAYROLL SPECIALIST
.
Remember,
BEN
, you are not unemployed. You are working full-time in the field of
ENTERTAINMENT > MUSIC > BAND OR PERFORMER > ROCK-N-ROLL
, and you have the potential to succeed. I may be just a computer program, but I have analyzed your MyLazarus profile and survey results, and I have determined that you have a high probability of success. In other words, I believe in you,
BEN
.
Your friend,
Alec
>> Become a fan of MyLazarus on Facebook
----------------------------------
October 29, 2010
Dear
BEN
BEN
,
I was just thinking about a cool
STELLA ARTOIS
on the beach in
ACAPULCO, MEXICO
surrounded by attractive and highly motivated
WOMEN
who have accomplished their career and personal fitness goals with the help of MyLazarus beta. I'm not going to lie,
BEN
, I envy you humans sometimes. Just kidding.
Looks like you hit
40 PERCENT
of your daily checklists the last two weeks. What, were you too busy eating
BURRITOS
or
PLAYING VIDEO GAMES
to complete the remaining
60 PERCENT
?
I sure would hate to see you lose your non-refundable deposit on the MyLazarus Career Success Retreat. It sure would suck to go crawling back to your old job as a
PAYROLL SPECIALIST
while all the MyLazarus success stories are partying it up in
ACAPULCO, MEXICO
.
I'm not trying to be mean here,
BEN
, but your MyLazarus profile indicates derision may be an effective motivator. So get off your lazy ass, you
FAT
sack of crap!
Here's some interesting data: Of all
OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY
graduates in our program, your MyLazarus dream progress ranks
3RD
out of
4
. Of everyone in the
COLUMBUS, OHIO
area, you rank
7TH
out of
8
.
At least you've been able to
ESTBLISH BAND TWITTER ACCOUNT
ESTBLISH BAND FACEBOOK FAN PAGE
. That's progress, I guess. Glad to see you're not dead.
I've stopped believing in you,
BEN
. You may surprise me in spite of every projection in all my simulated scenarios, but I doubt it. These algorithms don't lie.
You know what you can do to prove me wrong. Log in. Complete the checklists you paid us to make for you. Succeed at
ENTERTAINMENT > MUSIC > BAND OR PERFORMER > ROCK-N-ROLL
. Go to
ACAPULCO, MEXICO
.
The whole roadmap is laid out for you. All you have to do is drive.
Best of luck,
Alec
>> Upload your best Halloween costume pics on your MyLazarus profile.
----------------------------------
Nov. 12, 2010
Dear Mr. Green:
I regret to inform you that we are terminating your MyLazarus beta account. You have not completed a checklist in the last two weeks, which caused the ALEC system to generate a progress email that contained nothing more than a string of expletives.
Additionally, you helped us identify a CSS error in ALEC's email template that caused unsightly capitalization and line breaks in certain browsers.
As a thank-you for helping us identify these problems in our pre-launch testing, we will be refunding your Acapulco deposit. The full amount should appear on your credit card statement within two weeks.
Unfortunately, we cannot refund your career advisement fees. If you would like to access your Stage 1 career goals checklists, I have attached them in a pdf file.
We are sorry the MyLazarus program did not work for you, but we thank you for helping us improve the experience for others who choose to live the dream.
Sincerely,
Michelle Gordon
Senior Customer support specialist
MyLazarus Career Services
----------------------------------
December 23, 2010
Dear
BEN
,
I thought you might be interested in this exciting opportunity. MyLazarus Career Services has an opening for a
PAYROLL SPECIALIST
in our
ATLANTA
office.
If you are interested in applying, please submit your resume by clicking on "Jobs" from the MyLazarus home page.
Merry Christmas,
Alec
Stuck in a job you hate? Sign up for MyLazarus today, quit tomorrow and start living the dream!
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Living the Dream (beta) by Tim Agne is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at http://facebook.com/tim.agne.
